http://www.happilychildfree.com/fencesitters.htm
Good link!
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Don't Have Kids! 
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Before we were married when we talked about having children it became obvious that if I didn’t want to have kids I’d lose her because she most definitely did. This was a no-brainer at the time. I couldn’t imagine life without her.
The odd thing is that now we are married and have a son she admits it is much, much harder than she expected. I think it is the nightmare I expected and signed up for and I can’t possibly understand how ladies think it will be anything other than *very difficult*. I just thought that having my wife beside me would make it bearable. Unfortunately it does not.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my son more than life itself and I know that if there was a chance to save his life with mine I would in an instant (that’s how I know I DO definitely love him) but in terms of actually living my life now I think I have made a massive mistake.
The reason I say this is that – as expected – I now have no life. My hobbies are neglected, we can’t go out together at night (I used to love taking my wife to dinner), my wife has lost her sex drive which I understand is a common problem but I’m sexually frustrated all the time (I don’t pester her about it but it’s making me more depressed than I already feel).
If I get a few hours out with friends or whatever it feels like heaven – a release – fantastic – but then I’m back in the drudgery of being whined at by a baby almost all the time. Yeah sure when he smiles at me it feels beautiful – a marvellous feeling – when he learns new things that’s amazing too – but it’s not enough. A few giggles and smiles in between hours an hours of whinging is not for me a fair trade.
The amazing thing is that you would NEVER know I feel like this to see me with him. I ‘mask’ everything totally and appear the happy Dad as much as the next man. But it leaves me drained totally. I am a shell – like the lady on here I’m trapped in a life I have created with people whom I intrinsically love but my own desire to lead a fulfilling life – my own selfishness not to just become a robot – has ruined my life.
The funny thing is (while I’m being candid) is that we have plenty of money. I don’t worry about finances, my wife doesn’t work and we put him in nursery one day a week to give her some time to herself. My mother has him for a few hours one day in the week to allow her time to do some chores. At the weekend I lie in on Saturday and then she lies in on Sunday. What I’m trying to say is that on paper it looks perfect. In reality it isn’t!
In terms of enjoying my son (who is 1 now) – I do – for a few minutes – so if I get on the floor to play with toys that’s great for 10 minutes – or I read him a story; all good. But it’s not like that. When you have to look after them it’s 4 hours of playing straight and my mind goes numb. I switch off and become a blob just grinning stupidly and waving toys around. This isn’t me – I love to make things, to think, tinker, I’m always doing something constructive and, for example, the Sunday morning get up routine which lasts from 0730 until my wife gets up at about 1000, so 2 and a half hours is just soul destroying.
One more thing – just after he was born, probably 3 months, my wife announced that she was leaving me. This was because I ‘obviously didn’t want the baby.’ This was brought on because I felt as depressed as I do now but wasn’t putting on the shiny faced bouncy Dad act. When she said this I went cold all over because I am prepared to sacrifice my happiness for my child and I don’t want him growing up in a broken home. I persuaded her it was my work that was the stress problem and taught myself to look happy.
This now means I can’t even discuss how I feel with her because even if I say one thing negative about having him she glares at me. (Yet it’s okay for her to shout at him when SHE feels a bit stressed. This annoys me!)
Tonight I was driving the car trying to think about things and I heard a guy on the radio talk of his ‘unspeakable joy’ in having twin daughters. I stopped the car in a layby to wonder why I’m such a freak that I can’t see that joy. I then spent 10 minutes trying to hold my face right to look happy for when I walked in the front door.
So there you have my sorry tale. Basically my life ended the day we brought him home. I now exist to bring him up and if I get to string a few hours together to myself it feels like heaven on earth. The thought of how it used to be and some of the things I did when I was younger (now 34) almost makes me cry.
I know I am probably a very selfish person but I thought that I’d post my story because there is a moral. NEVER try to ‘keep’ your loved one by agreeing in any way to kids unless you ABSOLUTELY are ready and happy to also have one. It could be a disaster.
Thank you so much for your candor. I am leaning toward a child-free life and posts like these help confirm this choice.
Thank you for sharing.
Exceptional post. I believe after reading it that you it was probably cathartic just to lay all of that out in writing.
Ive just become entangled in a relationship and this is a hot topic of course, and what youve described is quite frankly what frightens me with what foresight I do have. I really love this person, but if it comes down to her must having a baby and with me in disagreement, then Im afraid that I should put the axe to it rather sooner than later.
This is 2 years since your post. Thank goodness for it. I just got married after never intending to, and I’m very happy. but I dont, never have, never did, want children. What I deal with however, every day since I married is the constant question about whether/when I will have them. What’s even more annoying is that I look younger than I am so people don’t realize I’m really a bit old for it(I’m female)… and that puts in me in the position to broadcast my age, which I resent. I’m an artist by trade, and I love my relationship with my work, have done well, and my projects are my babies. I love the adult world, and exhisting within it, creatively, mentally and socially and get painfully bored around kids after the first few minutes or so. Why do so many people try to convince me this would change if it were my own? Why would I take that risk? WHY DO PEOPLE CARE WHAT I DO? I resent that I have to somehow explain my position repeatedly as if I’m on trial. I find it all terribly closed minded and banal.I love my life, friends, work, husband, family and experience on earth…as is… without children. Tired of apologizing. so thanks again, and cheers to your bravery.
Sticking to masturbation was a wise choice then. Thank you for confirming it.
Hi ST, just wondering, now that it is two years from when you wrote that post, have things gotten any better? Have you found that joy yet? My husband is pestering me to have kids, and I think I’d feel just like you do if I did it, but I am terrified of losing him. I figure having a baby can’t be as bad as losing him forever.
Thank you for your honesty. I don’t want to raise kids,and now have to break the news to my new boyfriend.He wants them and will almost certainly leave me now.It hurts so much,but your experience has strengthened my resolve that it’s better to let him go,than delay the inevitable.
Thank you for your courage.
I’m undecided and leaning towards not having kids. When I was younger I thought I wanted kids and with age and time that desire waned. I’m a newlywed and know my husband and I have had these discussions. I know to have a child would bring him joy yet I’m still undecided and not “excited”. The more I read and talk to real people and learn their stories, I feel I’m on the right track by NOT trying to conceive. I share my feelings with my husband and he’s cool either way. I guess I feel guilty he would resent me if I didn’t have a child, however I agree that if I ‘m not 2000% on board wanting and ready to have a child, don’t do it. If I’m not sure about having kids,I’ m not doing it.Thanks for sharing your story. I feel more confident in NOT compromising on something SO huge as bringing a new life in this world unless I too am feeling 2000% ready and willing. I’d feel worse having regret vs. not knowing what I was “missing”.
I feel so sorry for you. I totally agree with you. Everyone should be in total agreement concerning having a child. I do not have children and many people have pressured me over the years about it. I have stood firm. If I am not completely convinced to have a child and completely wanting of a child, then I do not want to have a child. I hear all these stories about how the situation is often not ideal but many of those “not ideal” situations end up in a broken home for the child, divorce or child neglect. Not me. I would never have a child unless I really wanted one. If the other person wanted one and I did not, they would have to look elsewhere for someone else. I think it is a particularly bad thing for a mother not to want a child and I don’t believe in taking the chance that you will love the child at birth. Too many bad things can happen. It’s just not worth the risk!
They’ll say “you say that now” or “you just need to find the right person” crap. I can find the right person and still be parent free. People, I’m almost 30 and single. If I am still saying it now, take a hint that it’s going to be this way forever. I’m too selfish to give up what makes me happy in life to have a child and that’s that.
Sorry to say but SERVE YOU RIGHT. You and just about every other man out there who decides to have a baby just to keep his “love” happy. When are you idiots going to realize that bringing a life into this world ISN’T like bringing a cat or a pet into your home ? Why do you take this selfish act of creating another soul -just to please someone- so lightly? You brought this misery unto you. You should’ve left the moment that heartless selfish monster of a woman told you she would leave if you didn’t give her a f**k trophy. But no, you decided to gamble and now you lost. Well, sorry to say, but with a monster like your woman, I think the worst is yet to come. Be prepared for divorce, custody battles, child support and spousal support and the loss of your property to that bi**h of yours. Good luck. That’s the price you pay for 10 seconds of joy. Hope other men would learn BUT I doubt it.
Smartman, I second Brocko – you seriously need to chill the f**k out. Why the hell are you reading these posts if you aren’t prepared to deal with candid responses in this regard? If you can’t handle the truth, don’t read it. In the meantime, please keep your judgmental remarks to yourself and let the rest of us who CAN handle honesty read these posts and learn from them, which is the whole point.
Smartman raises a point and i love the term F*** trophy, good one. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, warriorwoman73. I wouldn’t go off as bad as smartman did, but there are choices in life we make. I choose a life of celibacy until I meet someone who can keep up with my drive (which will never happen, oh well, I have my hand). If leaving behind a child is the only way you can vindicate your existence, so be it. Personally, I think it’s a waste if you have goals to achieve in life.
For F*ck sake smart man. Calm the f*ck down.
The man didn’t know what he was signing up for. Society doesn’t educate us about things like this.
Why take it out on him. He’s having a rough ride. That’s tough enough.
We can easily avoid situations like these regardless. That’s the irritation I get from people who say things like “kids happen” as if it’s nothing. Having a child is preventable and more than just a mistake, it can very well ruin your life. Regardless, it’s still avoidable. It’s called keeping it in your pants. You can be happy without sex. There’s foreplay, but since every woman in this world “can only feel good with sex” that’s out of the question, so just use your imagination, make close friends with people online that share your fantasies or interests. You don’t even have to meet them. Don’t forget to have friends on the side too close by. Better yet, live with your best friends for the rest of your life if they’re cool with it. Worked for me for the past 5 years.
I’m 24 years old, & almost everyone of my friends has had a baby, except for me. They act like its some sort of F*cking trend, Now They’re all living misserable lives, not me though, lol. I’ll never have a kid, because I know I am not Father material & I realize this. I Drink too much beer & smoke to much weed to be a good father, lol.
Before I got my IT career, I worked in a call center where people were talking so much crap about their family. I would sit there with a prideful grin knowing I never made that mistake. Getting married young doesn’t work anymore since in this day in age you need a college degree to make it rather than instantly working for your father or an industry that will put food on the table. Marriage is overrated now anyway. No one is loyal, broken homes pop up left and right, and the almighty hedonistic qualities of youth dominate all logic and reason. John, stay single or be with someone who doesn’t want kids. You will love life like I do.
look on the bright side, at least u make money and only have ONE kid, just get snipped and dont have no more. now me….i got 2 , broke as hell and fight constantly with thier mother. long story short, were all advocates of our own dumbness…
You’re your worst enemy and critic. My apologies for your death
I feel your pain and let me tell you, it only gets worse! My kids are 17 and 14 and it’s been one long trip through hell! Like you, I’ve always hidden how I feel and just put on a happy face. I do it so my kids never doubt that I love them but inside, I’m in total agony. Every now and then I get to enjoy a genuine smile, thinking back on all of the great times I used to have before my kids sucked the life out of me. Kids have also killed my marriage. My wife I and have been more like roommates since having kids – almost no sex, fun, nothing. Every bit of our strength and energy has been dedicated to raising our kids. We both just walk around like lifeless zombies. In return for giving up our youth and providing our kids with endless love, time, energy and money, our kids are selfish, rude, disrespectful and would prefer not to be seen with us. What really sucks about kids is that they never know what hell they put you through until they have kids of their own but by then, it’s too late. What good does that understanding do for you then.
ST, at least you can still have fun going out with friends. My once happy, energetic and positive personality is long gone. My personality is crap now. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Now, if I get a moment to myself that doesn’t involve marriage or kid issues, all I want to do is lay in a bed. I couldn’t have much fun with friends if I tried. Also, as kids get older, they do a lot to ruin your self esteem. They make fun of everything about you and get a kick out of reminding you, in one way or another, how old you are. Hurting your feelings is like a sport for them. It’s really great! How I haven’t put a bullet through my head is beyond me.
I urge anyone who is thinking of having kids to please, please think twice. I know it’s easy to get sucked in to little babies. Yep, they’re cute and it really does feel amazing when they’re little and reach up to hug you but those moments are not enough to counter the lifelong, intense stress and negative side effects. Enjoy all of the romance, adventure, spontaneity and fun that life has to offer without kids. Enjoy a youthful and energetic mind that’s free to explore hobbies, interests, travel or pursue any dream to your hearts content. Sure, you can get a sitter and try to do some of these things after having kids but it’s never the same – not even close. Kids change how you think about the world, yourself and greatly affect your ability to just let go and have fun. You seem to constantly be in a worried state about their well being or thinking about something they did wrong or something they did to hurt you. You carry this worry and stress with you everywhere you go, so everything you do is tainted. When they are little, you feel guilty for even leaving them for an hour to enjoy a dinner alone or you worry to death that they’ll get hurt or worse. When they get older and you leave them to get a beak, they immediately try to get away with everything they can. They treat your home and everything you’ve worked hard for like it’s meaningless garbage or they break rules you’ve set and all of that is enough to ruin any good time – there’s no winning. This is just scratching the surface. I could write a book on the million ways having kids ruins your life. Please, don’t have kids! Don’t do it!
Mark, your post brought tears to my eyes! Thank you so much for inspiring me to pursue my life without kids! I already decided I won’t have any, and just knowing that I’ll be MUCH better off without kids is a BLESSING to me.
I am so sorry it’s too late for you, I don’t think you deserved it! I wish you all the best nevertheless.
Mark your post really made me feel so guilty about some things I’ve said to my parents. I’m glad you are honest about you situation and I hope that people learn from it.
My parents paid to put me through college and I graduated with a degree in CIS. After I did, i hugged both of them, thanked them for their sacrifice, and said, you’re free now, live life again. They laughed but I knew, being diagnosed with ADHD at 5 (I don’t believe in it, but the worry and sacrifice they put forth to keep me in school, smart as I was, I was wild) and having the hardest time making friends, just how happy I knew they would be. Thanks to them, I never did drugs and still don’t, never been in jail, in cuffs, convicted, etc. I am almost 30 and still single but I am grateful for every day I live working hard, living with my best friends, and doing what makes me feel good. I always send money to my folks every month even if they refuse. I owe them so much for the man I am today. I love them with all my heart. I’m too selfish to have my own kids. i love my God Children but I only see them on holidays. I could never handle them 24/7. That’s good enough for me.
Amen! There is a knee jerk reaction in society that everyone MUST get married, then after that they MUST have kids. If you don’t want either, you’re treated like some kind of freak.
Does ANYONE EVER stop and think about what it actually is like to raise a child, not to mention the ENORMOUS cost over 18 years, before you’re “obligated” to pay for their college….
Not to mention the burden on an already overpopulated planet.
I have family and friends in my life that I love and cherish, and receive love from. I don’t need nor want kids, and I enjoy every moment of my life. Many mock me, or look at me as if I am an oddball. Fine. I’m happy, and that is all that matters, and should matter, to me.
You are a God among men like I, Dan. Long live freedom.
I was lucky enough to marry the first girl that I fell in true love with. After 15 years I still love her as much or more than ever. But we have a 10 yr old daughter, 3 yr old daughter, and 1 yr old son, and between all three our life has become pure hell. I spent the majority of time staying at home to raise our first daughter. I actually liked it. She was a pretty easy kid to care for. But 2007 marked the beginning of hell. Our second girl was a high needs baby and cried all the time. She was NEVER content. There was nothing anyone could do to satisfy her. She is 3 now and still has episodes where if she doesn’t get her way, she is incapable of letting it go and will scream about it for hours. She’s definitely “off” in some way. Yet, she’s the most intelligent and spirited one of the three. I never wanted a boy because I knew he would be trouble considering the trend in my family. I was right. He came in 2009. He was a quiet baby the first month or so. But the worst thing about him is his obsession with being michevious and literally trying to annoy a person to the point of insanity. My patience has been tested many times over the years and it takes a lot to drag me down. And the two little ones together do a great job. My oldest has become a drama queen. She took a wrong turn when entering public school and I always regretted that. Now she is homeschooled, as much as I dread her presence. I spend most of my days being unhappy and unfullfilled because my wife and I have no life anymore, we cannot spend any time with each other alone unless its between 2am to 8am because any other time there are kids around us. We are usually too tired during that time to stay awake. I have kids that will use their willpower to avoid naps. It doesn’t matter what you do. Am I just a crappy parent? I say not. Many other family members intially tried to blow it off thinking we werent good as parents. But when they decided to try to show us up, they retracted their intial thoughts and praised us for being able to keep it together. They saw just how bad our kids really are. Now, no one wants them. We can’t even pay someone we trust to take them on for a day just so the wife and I can go see a movie or something. Our life has been ruined since 2007 with no way out. Daycares suck because they employ unfit people. We learned this firsthand several times over the years. We have high standards when it comes to parenting. Higher than most. And we show a lot of love to our kids even though we feel like dropping them on a doorstep somewhere. I for one love my wife completely and have always been truly faithful. But I have reached the point where I am not so sure I will stay married anymore. Marriages have to have focus and attention to keep them going. But we have become two people who basically exist under the same roof. Now I am starting to reach out beyond our life together for external friendships because I need it. Its sad really. But I am through throwing my life away for kids.
Not being rude, but, if your life was over after 2007, why the hell did you have another kid? It doesn’t make any sense and it’s avoidable. You found time to conceive another kid, was it between 2 and 8am? I know I sound like a troll asking that, but I am dead serious.
For years when my boys were small I loved being a mom. Now that they are teens I can hardly stand them. I love them uncondtionally,but they make me crazy. Their dad and I split up when the kids were little and he saw them regularly. Now he wont even talk to them, he does send the child suppprt but they need their dad. Not a father figure, they have that, They have a lot of anger towards their dad and0 i cant help them. If I would have known this would be the way it turned out I never would have hadthem in the first place.
Pardon my bluntness, are you a MILF at least?
I love this post, thank you all for your honesty, I appreciate it.
I have found so much guiolt in the parents I work with (I am a counselor) and since society has indoctrinated them with the guilt peddling, they feel they cannot say what you are saying here and they suffer untold days of guilt.
I do not have children and it was the right choice for me. The pressure within is great…there are many reasons for this, but I am so happy now my wife and I do not have kids. We have lots of free time, sleep late (or get up early if we want) take trips around the world anytime we want even during a school year. It’s an aamazing life I am so happy with but I find myself helping so many parents all day long with this decision they have made.
I want to again thank the original poster for his words…I want to reach out and give you a hug man…
Hold onto her and never let her go
I’ve been thinking about writing a book about reasons not to have kids and I’m so glad I read this. I think there is a need out there to let people know that it’s ok to not have kids, that people can lead a very happy life without kids. If people want to have kids by all means they have the right to but people shouldn’t feel as if that’s their only option. Life is what you make of it and kids don’t have to be a part of it. I’m a 32 year old woman and have not wanted kids for several years now. I met the love of my life and he doesn’t want kids either. We talk all the time about how wonderful our lives are and are always finding new reasons why people shouldn’t have kids.
Kids are just dependents on tax forms now anyways. Congratulations on finding your perfect soul mate.
I thought I was crazy for not liking children.
This is proof that children drain your youth, and are really not as great as everyone says they are.
I never understood why people got all lovely dovey over whiney, sticky babies. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Thank you for this article. I think I’ll be content with dogs.
Cats for me ha ha ha
I agree with this post..I have NEVER wanted kids myself, there was never a question in my mind. My boyfriend has kids that he sees every other weekend and I can tell as much as he says he loves them and loves having them around, the frustration he feels at not being able to do anything when they are around and spending most of his extra money on them. I love that I have my freedom and my money is mine. We keep separate accounts because I chose not to have kids so I am not financially responsible for his kids. What little money (if any) I get after bills etc, is mine not towards any kids. If I feel like going out, I go out anytime I feel like it.
I would hate to have kids and lose all that, its not worth it. If that makes me selfish, then I am selfish and Im proud to admit it!
Agreed. Why be responsible for another person’s mistakes in life unconditionally?
Many years ago, I made the comment “Having kids is one of the most selfish things a person can do.” The person I made the comment to chewed me out and nearly ripped my head off. Despite this, I still maintained my position. Today I stumbled across this website, and it has confirmed for me what I have always believed.
Why in God’s name would you bring another person to this planet to struggle? A person who will have to deal with loss and strife and illness and violence and chaos, and eventually, your death! That just seems so cruel to me.
I look at my life now, and every day is a struggle. Due to the economy and poor personal decisions, my parents are not able to assist me in any meaningful way short of selling their home. I slave every day at a job I hate (I’m a teacher by the way) just to survive and pay bills. I am caught in the rat race, and it will take a miracle to get out. Did I mention I’m only 28? I’m actively working on changing my circumstances, but my life in no way has panned out the way I envisioned it. This makes me sad and depressed, and I sometimes wish I’d never been born to have to deal with all of this mess. To top it off, my parents are older and I know eventually I’ll have to deal with their passings, and as an only child, that is a major burden to shoulder that makes me sad already.
I say all that to say that obviously we need people on the planet (or do we?), but perhaps more people should be making the choice not to have children. It’s almost like buying a new puppy, taking it to the nearest lake, tossing it in, and hoping it learns to swim. Why not just never take the puppy to the lake, or ever better, never buy the puppy?
Lisa, I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. I feel the exact same way. I do not think it’s fair or morally right to force someone into existence, which is what one does when one breeds. Have you heard of anti-natalismb because that might be up your alley. It’s a really fascinating philosophy. I hope that everything gets better for you, I really do.
Little extreme there. I hope your school never finds out how nihilistic you are
This is one of the most invigorating things I have ever read. For months I have been soul searching, trying to understand if I am actually different to almost everybody I know in not wanting kids. I now live outside the UK, and almost monthly I see friends – via facebook – having children. I feel absolutely nothing when seeing this and wonder why I don’t foresee this happening in my life. When I mention it to people, they just laugh and say my time will come, but the older I get (I’m 30), the less I want children.I almost have a sense of guilt towards my parents because I know deep down that they will never experience the joys that their friends are now experiencing of being grandparents – although I do have a brother who may save the day.
I am of the view of many of the posters on here that having a child takes your life away because you then dedicate what was your life to bringing up that child. I want to see this wonderful world we live in, I want to enjoy what little money I earn and most of all, when I die, I want to be able to look back and think to myself, ‘I had fun’.
Society puts tremendous pressure on you to believe that you are expected to follow the natural cycle, and it’s so nice to read that others are of the exact same opinion as me.
I have been with my partner for two-and-a-half years and she does know my opinions (although I’m not sure she understands exactly how strong they are). I am not against marriage, however, I do believe that often marriage leads to children. But it’s great to see others with similar opinions, it’s made it a good start to the week.
I don’t need a piece of paper that says I love someone. Marriage is cheap, divorce is expensive.
Read this:
I met a girl with 2 kids. Her husband left her for a younger woman. I was introduced to her by a friend. I never really thought about kids. At the time, I was 28 and was very athletic. The boy was 2 and the girl was 6 mos. The mother and I dated and the dead beat dad hardly came around. He owed them so much money and screw the law, they never do a damn thing about it. So there she was, nowhere to go, no money with 2 kids. So, being the stupid ass that I am, I assumed the responsibilty. Over time, they both called me dad. At first, I sort of liked it. It made me feel like a real adult…and so I thought. Now the tough work begins. The little girl was and is the sweetest person. The boy, who was 2 at the time started to become a little athlete himself. So, he asks if he can join a hockey team. We were struggling with money at the time, but I managed to pull it off. I never missed a game or practice. Hockey is one of the most expensive sports a kid could get into. So fast forward…He does incredible. Great hockey player. We lived in an affluent town. They both went to a great school system. When he was in high school,he was a hockey star, thats when it all turned around. He got into the wrong crowds. No matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. If it wasn’t drugs, it was lies, stealing from me (the guy who sacrificed everything for him). He got so bad, that he nearly split up the family. He quits school and just f____d up everything he did. So, we had no choice but to ask the dead beat dad (who owed about 70k in child support and lived in Florida) if he could take him in. The boy was about 16. He was doing sort of better, but picked up alchoholism while down there. My wife and I vacation down there, so we would see him. We felt guilty as parents and he was going down hill there, so we offered to help him out again. So, once again like the ass I am, flew him up and moved him in with us. Well, does anyone know what happens next? Yup, you guessed it, he did it again. The deal was get his GED and I will help him get into a school and off he goes…right? WRONG! He is 26 this year. Bulshitted his way into a job that was waaay over his head. Alchohol and weed was his main priority. Never charged him rent, or anything. All my fault!!! So, as I am writing this, my wife and I are probably divorcing (all because of him), he has a deadline to move out, and all that time I could have traveled and enjoyed what I earned is gone. I am 52 this year. I have the gym as my only outlet. I work out 3 hours / 6 days a week just to stay out of the house. My wife can’t let go of the fact that (he’s my son and I want to help him) Becoming a parent was the worst f___ing decision I have ever made in my life…Never, ever, ever have god damn kids!!!!!
My brother made the mistake of confusing sympathy with love and was willing to take the responsibility of having a kid that wasn’t even his (later confirmed) but he is doing just fine now, has a great GF, and my folks are grandparents to that little girl since the ex is a meth head. I love my niece to death but not enough to have kids.
I’m another who just always knew I never wanted children because…well…I hate everything about them from conception on. And I’ve always been a bit of a rebel – I guess it comes with being an artsy person, so I never felt the need to do what society deems necessary to be a good American, like getting married and having kids, living in the suburbs, and me in the kitchen all day. My choices harm no one, so if someone doesn’t like it, they can go get bent. More people have to just sit down and think, “Do I want kids? Can I do this job, unpaid, for the next 20 years? All the while being told I am hated and stupid?”
Too many people feel the way you do and are also practically obligated to hide their feelings behind a fake smile. They fear people thinking ill of them, losing their partner, their kids growing up damaged. No one in your position can tell other wannabe parents just how shitty it is because it’s considered taboo to dare say openly you regret having kids. Then more people make the same mistake and end up miserable.
Some people do enjoy being parents, but most of them do not. The degree of dislike varies from, “I wish they weren’t so needy” to “Where’s the fucking Drano? I’m done with this shit.” It sucks that so many find out too late how crappy of a choice it is since society just inflates and exaggerates the alleged unimaginable joy that only one’s own kids can bring.
My advice? If a person really wants a kid fix, then do things that allow you to interact with kids, but temporarily. Be a scout leader, Big Brother/Sister, babysitter, read to kids at the library, teach a weekend art class, or be “the cool auntie/uncle with no kids” to relatives’ and friends’ children. This way, you can spend time with kids, but go home to enjoy yourself later.
Sorry to hear you “took the bait,” so to speak. But thank you for not being afraid to tell people how it really is. Your story is the kind we need to hear more of.
That’s me, the cool uncle with no kids who loves video games as much as his God children do. I agree, taking care of kids on a minimal basis is fun, but 24/7, FORGET IT.
I want to thank all parents for their honesty. You may save the future of many young people who are undecided about becoming parents themselves some day just by reading your comments. I am childfree by circumstance and by choice. I’ve endured a lot of nasty comments over the years because of my decision. I have also witnessed my own mother being treated very badly by my 3 older sisters over the years. Seeing what she sacrificed and to be treated that way sealed the deal for me.
Given birth to become a leech. That’s the worst a kid can do to a parent
I’ve known since I was 14 that I did not want any children, ever. Every day me and my husband are so happy that we never caved into this pronatalist pressure to breed. We have free time, no financial woes, jobs that we like that do not keep us working more than 30 hours a week, a fantastic little house just for ourselves that stays pristinely clean and organized.
And most important of all, we have each other – we can do whatever we want, any time we want. I can give him the undivided attention, care and love that he deserves as my best friend, lover and partner, and he can do the same to me. And this article just confirms what I’ve always believed – love them or not, children destroy relationships, not out of malice, but due to the fact that once they come along, there is no time for anyone else, not even yourself – you will watch everything you once were, indeed your very personality fade away into the distance like wisps of smoke. Like it was never worth anything to begin with.
And no matter how much most parents try to pretend otherwise, children will suck the life right out of you, because that is what they are designed to do – one generation succumbs while the next flourishes.
I am happy beyond words that I get to live my life in peace and one day succumb knowing that I have stood proud and unwavering in the face of pronatalist pressure, and that I am still *me*.
Amen. I am happy you both can devote time to one another. I had that with my ex-fiancee, whom didn’t want children, or so I thought. Oh well, no kids, no divorce, career in 5 figures, life is good.
Are you people for real? If you weren’t so self-centered, you would be ashamed of yourself. Stop the ego-centered behavior and you might be able to understand what a joy children are in life. OF COURSE, raising children is difficult. If you haven’t figured out that the things that are most valuable in life tend to be difficult, there is nothing I can write to convince you otherwise. Get a grip and take the focus off yourself.
Ok how are we self centered for not wanting kids? I’ve been around kids, I’ve babysat kids I do NOT enjoy being around kids..plain and simple! Would you rather that all of us just have them because YOU and some others think they are a joy? And then we regret it and are miserable and make our childrens lives miserable? Thats awesome..
I really dont see myself wanting to raise kids, I don’t want to spend all my money on kids, I love sleeping in on weekends, I love the freedom I have, I love that I can spend quality time with my fiance..etc. I don’t want any of that ruined because society thinks I should have a kid or two. Its just not my thing. Being a mom, is not my thing. I’ve never wanted to be a mom nor will I ever want to be one. I’ve dated men in the past with kids and it just confirmed it for me that kids aren’t for me. I wanted nothing to do with them. So if that makes me selfish, then yes I am selfish and I am Goddamn proud to admit it!!
People can make it about anything, though. Some told me I was stupid and wasting my life not pursing law. Come on now. I have ADHD, am terribly disorganized, love to party, and like to do something creative for a living. A law career is not living my authentic life – it’s making my critics happy. F*ck ’em. Their involvement is playing armchair quarterback, whereas I actually would have to live with the decision to become a lawyer day and and day out for years on end. No way!
Julie, you made some great points. Sam, you’re missing something here. A lot of people who make negative comments about having kids do so because they’ve gone through hell with their own kids or they’ve seen family members or friends go through hell. The parents that go around talking about how kids are “little miracles of nature” are always the ones who only have young kids. Yep, there’s some nice moments in those early stages but that’s a drop in the bucket. I’ve gone from birth to late teens with my kids, so I’m more than qualified to make the statements I made.
Understand too that it’s the SELFLESS parents that do the most hurting and it’s because of that selflessness that we feel so strongly against having children. The happiest and most relaxed parents I see (parents of teens I mean) are the ones that don’t give a crap what their kids do. They are the lazy parents that sit around saying things like, “I let my kids do whatever they want because I trust them.” Yeah, right. It’s just easier not to set rules and enforce those rules. It’s easier not to care. In my case, my wife and I were 100% selfless parents who poured our heart and soul into our kids. In return, they…well, just read my post above to see how they treat us.
You are greatly minimizing the anguish that is parenting by saying things like, “Of course it’s difficult.” No, skiing is difficult. Getting a Harvard law degree is difficult. Parenting is pain beyond measure and requires absurd levels of sacrifice that no person should have to endure. “Difficult” ends when you have to get up 3 times a night to tend to a baby that keeps crying and then work 10 hours the next day – that’s “difficult.” The rest of it is a slow, agonizing, day by day drain of all those things in your mind, body and spirit that allow you to feel happiness. You begin to question why you’re even alive when you’ve been reduced to nothing more than a human ATM machine for mean and ungrateful kids that do nothing but squash a little piece of your soul each day.
No one is denying that to some people having a kid in life is a joy, or at least I’m not. I am happy to have kids to play with over the holidays when I visit my roommate’s family. I don’t hate kids, but i am and proudly admit I am too selfish to have them. I am quite aware that the things we value in life tend to be difficult. Why do you think I keep up with the challenge and not make it harder by adding a kid into the equation? Because i value my freedoms, my choices, my lifestyle, my friends, my career, etc etc. I face challenges everyday and to me, a child will make them more difficult. So, you’re right, we do face difficulty everyday, doesn’t have to be a child that makes it vindicating of our existences as you so adamantly seem to portray of yourself and others. If you can’t help yourself first, how the hell are you going to help others later, especially raising kids?
I’m happy to put the focus on myself. I have only one life and I won’t live it pleasing others. If that makes my critics hurt, they’ll just have to feel hurt. Other people’s disappointment is not my problem, it’s theirs, and their responsibility to deal with.
That all said, I sympathize with both sides in the kids debate. It’s always heartbreaking to realize a relationship has reached an impasse. Either one side caves, or you end it. It doesn’t just have to be about kids, either. It can be about money (a big one), goals, hopes, dreams, or whether to buy a house. It’s never easy no matter what you decide.
Totally agree with you there!! Whether its about having kids, or pursuing a job you know you wouldn’t be happy in, or where you want to live..etc no one should just cave to make someone else happy, because in the end it doesn’t turn out good. Someone ends up miserable and unhappy. My family is very disappointed I chose not to have kids, trying to convince me that ‘once you have your own its different, you’d love it!’ (I know I wouldn’t)..and being disappointed I chose not to move out to where they are because ‘family should be together’.. we all are going to disappoint people along the way for the decisions we make but thats not our problem. I choose to make myself happy not make others happy so that Im stuck living life in misery and regret.
Only thing I can say is ADHD is a myth. don’t make the mistake of handicapping yourself like I almost did whether or not you believe in it. You are always responsible for your actions, not some “behavior problem.”
Agree with Mark’s comments. I have been married 25 years with kids 23, 18, and 16. Most of my marriage has been unhappy. Kids are like vampires – suck all you have and want more. I must be a terrible father – my kids think only of themselves and don’t appreciate anything I have ever done for them – college, cars, etc. They never went without and don’t know how to say thank-you. My wife has given everything to them but they despise her and she hates me for it. Any time I discuss any kind of change in life my wife always wants to wait…..I’m almost 50 – wait for what?!! She would rather us to continue to slog through this death march than trying to find a better way. If you are on the fence about having kids – Don’t do it,,,your life will be over the minute you do. If you are in a relationship where your partner won’t get married unless you agree – find another partner…. It may hurt for awhile, but it won’t last a lifetime….you will regret it if you are blackmailed into a so-called “family”. I know that this post is dour, but it’s how I feel. All I can say is – choose wisely.
Be grateful your children don’t sparkle in the sun at least. On a serious note, my best friend and roomie has an uncle that got blackmailed into a family, as you so awesomely put it, and at my roomie’s cousin’s quinciniera, I saw his ex and thought to myself, wow, he suckered himself into fat when he had filet minon. I went through the same issue with my ex fiancee. I told her no kids, we were cool with that. Eventually, no marriage. i realized it’s not worth it, but I can devote myself to someone. She never improved her attitude and it took my best friend moving in with me to open my eyes that I was whipped in some ways. Improvement was promised, but never came. 7 years later, I got the piece of my spine that was missing and I awoke from the “I can’t be alone” phase to “I am a God single” stage. Two years and I am still reigning supreme. Life has never been better.
I really thank you all for posting your true feelings. Me and my husband have discussed kids (because that’s what you’re supposed to do) and he made it very clear he was not ready for kids. I was a little heart-broken at first, but soon after I started to see how much I loved our child-free life.
With a kid, it would be a struggle to move from CA to NC and back, within a year.
With a kid, it would be difficult to randomly say “HEY, I wanna be a gogo dancer and make a shit-ton of money!”
With a kid, I would be saying goodbye to my party life, my job, and almost my whole social life. Sure, I would be making my parents and friends happy. Happy that they’re again-grandparents and my friends no longer alone in the mommy business. However, me and my husband wouldn’t be happy. And that’s all that matters.
I’m so relieved to read this post. This lifestyle DEFINATELY needs to be made more public, for all the young people who get pressured into parenthood just because that’s what society says is the next step in life.
And if you “accidentally” have a kid, you can always drown it or keep it locked in a trunk then go out and get a tatoo that says “Beautiful Life” in Italian, party like there’s no tomorrow, make up nannies and boyfriends, and get acquitted in court!
Oh, and to add to my comment… this economy is scary enough for me.. GOD FORBID I bring a child into this disaster.
Oh, and to add to my comment… this economy is scary enough for me.. GOD FORBID I bring a child into this disaster. I pray that me and my husband make it, lord knows adding a child into this equation would be a mistake.
I don’t think I need to say anything else. My work here is done. Be free, be safe, be happy, use your hands, mouth, or breasts, not your penis or vagina (you get the drift).
All these comments are very interesting, as well as the article, thankyou.
I always thought I’d have kids, grow up get married etc. but I’m 34 and counting and it hasn’t happened.And I’ve never felt maternal either, though scoresof people have predicted that when I met the right man, when I ht a certain age, it’d all change. I don’t think so!
Society (other people) expects you to have kids, and people comment on the fact that i’m childless, but I don’t want to give up my freedom. I’m in a relationship with a really nice guy, but my partner satisfies any maternal cravings I might have – I take care of him & make him feel special – it would probably change with kids. From what I’ve seen in my friends’ lives, life becomes a drudge. Though they’d never admit to anything.
This is very interesting for me to read. I’m almost 30, single and don’t want to have kids, although I often waffle on the issue.
I’m sure that seeing your own child develop and grow is amazing and there is nothing else like it. Non-parents can never know what it’s like to be parents so the two sides debating doesn’t really prove anything either way.
The thing that worries me about having kids is how they are always changing. My Aunt adopted a two year old from Europe and she was amazing and now at six, is a completely different person. Still amazing, but completely different. And then they become teenagers. It just seems like a huge risk.
Life is pretty short, we can’t have everything we want. One has to make choices and then has to live with those choices. It’s very difficult to have it all.
So I’m choosing a life of travel, little financial responsibility (in this economy, that is a necessity for some), comfort and enjoyment. On the other hand, I won’t have a family, legacy or someone to care for me in old age (besides the nurses I pay).
So, it’s a trade off, like everything else in life. Good and bad.
My husband and I just had a huge fight about this. When I married him I told him I didn’t want kids. He was fine with it. Now he’s just turned 30, and “wants to create a baby” with me. I still don’t want kids. We travel a lot. We buy whatever we want, go out to dinner, the ballet, the opera, concerts….I pity my friends who have babies now because they don’t travel or go out to dinner, and they sure don’t get to sleep past 6am. My husband says we’ll bring our kids along on our travels. Forgive me, I don’t want to lug a stroller up the Great Wall of China. I don’t like crying or messes. I’m selfish, I’ve worked hard to become a lawyer, I want to take my career as far as it’ll go. But now my husband has decided he must have kids or he won’t be fulfilled, and I’m not enough. I truly love my husband more than I ever thought I could love something. I’m afraid of letting him go to find another life with someone else, leaving me all alone. On the other hand, I’m terrified of having a baby I resent just to keep him. I just want to have him all to myself, to baby and adore, to take on romantic weekend getaways. The thought of watching Sesame Street or Teletubbies or whatever makes me want to shoot myself. I don’t know what to do. But I will admit, at our last “discussion” about it, seeing him crying, seeing him pour his heart out about building something beautiful with me, made me want to cave. Made me believe I could have a beautiful life with a baby in it. But I don’t want kids. Every post I’ve read here echoes what I’ve always thought and felt. Any suggestions from someone who did let their partner go because of the baby issue and later regretted it?
Hi,
I commented here under this name about my experiences with bringing up kids. I check into this site once in a great while. I wil1 keep this short and sweet. I will approach it this way. Did you ever hold someone that you love as they die? Watching them take thier last breath and expire? After you accept what just happened, and process it, you realize just how short life is. When you have kids, you either live for them or live for you. If you live for them, you are unconditionally giving your life as you know it AS yourself up, and hopefully are able to stave off the harsh environment that we are into today from influencing them in a negative manner. If you live for you, you are selfish, and will probably live a life of wishing you never had them in the first place. Let me tell you, and I am being blunt here. Make no mistake about it, if you are not prepared, adolescents and teens will drain the life you once knew and enjoyed and you will never regain it back. Babies don’t stay babies. I have friends that decided to never have kids. They are both professionals, and live of life of travel and happiness. They get thier kid “fix” from nephews and nieces, then back to reality. They have two dogs to satisfy thier nurturing needs. I don’t want to influence you, but if you go down the child route, you cannot give it back if you run into troubles. It is a commitment for life! Anyway, sorry for the long reply and spelling errors.
Thats a tough dilemma, but honestly, from what I’ve seen happen to friends who had kids to make their husbands happy, it just made them miserable. What if sometime down the road something does happen and you guys split up? Then suddenly you find yourself a single mom to a kid you didn’t really want in the first place. Plus from what I’ve seen (and this is not ALL men), women seem to take on more of the child care, so even though you want it to be just you and your husband, once you have a child, you guys will barely have time together anymore. You’ll be too tired, and its an everyday commitment. Doesn’t matter if you come home from work exhausted, or you have the flu or want to sleep in on weekends, you have a child to consider.
These are all things I considered with men I’ve dated. Do I want to commit to something for the rest of my life (or 20 years or so) to a child? Just to make someone else happy? Hell no!
My bf and I are very happy together but I can tell you right now if he was itching to have a baby, as hard as it is, I’d have to leave him. Because I know if I gave in and had one with him, then I’d be miserable. And if Im miserable, Im going to make him miserable. Its also not fair to the child.
He has two kids from a previous marriage so hes fine with that. Im fine with that because they aren’t my responsibility and I don’t take care of them, neither financially or otherwise. But I watch him have a hard time with them, disciplining, getting up early on his weekends with them, taking care of them when he’s sick when he has them, or tired.. his extra money going towards them..and I cringe. Not for me nope.
Its a hard decision and it doesn’t sound like you will change your mind and be ok with having a baby, but it also seems like he wont change his mind either. Eventually one of you will have to come up with a decision, but if you’re dead set against a baby, don’t do it to make him happy. Its not something you can just give back if you decide its really not for you. Its a MAJOR life style change. One that Im not willing to make myself. I would hate to lose my boyfriend in a situation like this, but I’d have to make a decision that would make me happy. Otherwise in the long run, no one will be happy.
I can’t tell you how much these comments have made me feel better. I feel like me again and after a good year of depression I do believe I was right along. It is true kids are usually wonderful for the first 6 years or so. Assuming you got that 1%. But that all changes and kids don’t just move out at 18, nowadays its more like mid 20s, and still they will drain you. How many kids take care of their parents in this generation? Seems that would be the minority so that argument doesn’t carry a lot of weight. Thank you everyone for being honest. I’m not going to go into my own situation but wow do I feel better and not depressed about my decision after reading all of this.
i can appreciate the experiences here, and although raising children may be no easy task, it has its advantages and disadvantages, like anything else. To the people who choose not to have children, good, please don’t, as you sense; consciously or not, perhaps its likely you’d be a rotten parent and from rotten parents come rotten children and rotten homes create rotten communities and rotten nations create a rotten world. To quote George Carlin “garbage in garbage out.” Clearly, s(he) who has made that choice not to infect this life with their spawn is wise but not as wise as a child. Nature can be cruel and violent and will not really favor those who are psychologically ill equipped to bear the responsibility and too emotionally immature to appreciate the rewards of setting example and building a world by hand. Frankly the west is bursting at the seams with malignant narcissists begging for some self absorbed high tech dystopia, obviously we don’t need any more of that nonsense, so give yourself a stroke;) for not breeding and sparing yourself and a child a potentially very miserable existence. In some way you are helping to ensure a viable future for the children that came through my life.
Well said!
Husband and I are “getting up” in years, we’re both healthy and active, financially set for the most part. Decided to stop the birth control a couple months ago, and BOOM! Already I’m testing positive.
My close friends seem to have figured this out, although I remain in denial. Haven’t even told the doctors yet, and might not, because all I have is terror. I thought it would take us YEARS, given all the dire statistics people love to bring up. Years to change our minds if needed.
This would certainly be MY last shot at ever having a child, though at our age, there’s the risk of autism (which can’t be detected in utero.) Having “normal” kids is hard enough, cannot fathom the thought of raising an autistic child.
There’s also the guilt of “wasting” our fertility and financial stability, when so many people are desperate (why???) for a baby. Putting a child up for adoption would freak out our families, not to mention cause the child to wonder why, so a termination might be the only way to go.
Given our circumstances, I can’t help but wonder if we’ll do just fine as a family. There ARE happy families out there…….right?? We have no family or friends close by, so childcare would be my responsibility. My husband is fine without kids, maybe I should be grateful for that.
Anyway the guilt is tremendous. Yes we love kids, but we also love each other and enjoy our lives. Maybe one child would suffice, and not be as horrible as more than one? If only we could know.
Yes, there are lots of happy families. There are lots of kids out there who are wonderful and adorable and make you wonder why you ever doubted having one. There is no guarantee, but the odds are in your favour. If you went off birth control you guys must have discussed that you were ready for a baby in some capacity. There are people who regret having kids, but there are a whole lot of them who regret never having them. Yes, it can be terrifying but you are not damned to a miserable life. I’m sure you will be a great mother and you and your husband will be fine. My heart is breaking for you, though. I have recurrent nightmares where I find out I’m pregnant (my husband is begging me for a baby and I’m trying to figure out if I have it in me) and in my dream I’m terrified and feel trapped. It’s a horrible feeling not to want your baby. Give it some time. Talk it over with your husband. I wish you all the best and that you are truly happy with whatever you decide.
At least if you regret never having kids, you can do something about it. You can always adopt later in life. If you regret having kids, there is NOTHING you can do about that other than shove that regret down into the deepest darkest part of your heart. Because there is no way to give them back.
I have relatives who are raising autistic children. Believe me, if you’re ambivalent about having kids in the first place, you do not want to take that risk.
Thank you everyone for enlighting me guys…
Love you all
I would like to say I’m 29 years old. I don’t have any children. I’m dating someone that has kidsy age. I don’t want kids I thought I did, but like my freedom. I like the fact that my bf, and can go every we want at any given time. I like kids, but I don’t think being a mom is for me. We shouldn’t be judging woman with kids. They feel trapped, and no where to turn. So they talk about how they feel. Good for you ladies. Sometimes we think we want marriage the kids, and that perfect lifestyle. Sometimes it’s too much too handle. God is the only one that can judge us rember that. Oh please keep in mind if you tell people they should die & rot in hell that’s not nice. It will come back to you. I got in some bad fights with my mom, and said things I didn’t mean. She is no longer here. Ladies please look inside ourselves. We all want to be loved, and some times the guys hurt us. We don’t know the whole story. Ladies if you think about hurting your selves it’s time to talk to someone that deals with this. Don’t display that sort of thing here because people can be hurtful. I wish you all the best of luck God Bless you all!!!
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