Having Kids Can Be A Big Mistake

No Kids Site
Kim Kenney
BellaOnline’s Married No Kids Editor

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Some Parents Regret Having Kids

Isn’t it interesting how often we hear that we’ll regret not having kids someday, and yet no one ever tells an expecting mom that she might regret her decision? Regretting parenthood is taboo in our society, and few people are willing to admit that they wish they didn’t have kids.

I am always dumbfounded when people continue to pressure people who don’t want children into having them. Why would they encourage someone who doesn’t want kids to bring a child into this world?

Dr. Phil recently did a show on women who “can’t stand being a mom.” Some of these women even let their children know that they regret having children. They were afraid of becoming abusive parents, they resented the time parenthood required, and they blamed their kids for their unhappiness. What a horrible environment to grow up in!

Of course, no child should be made to feel like they weren’t wanted. But immediately, I question why these women had children in the first place.

Could it be because society bombards us with the message that WOMEN MUST HAVE CHILDREN? And that there is something wrong with us if we don’t want to become a mother?

What if these women had realized, in advance, that they didn’t have to become a mother to have a meaningful life? What if they had found a support network like Married No Kids? Would they have had kids anyway if they realized they had a CHOICE?

Of course, there are those who truly did want children, and the reality of parenthood just wasn’t what they expected. I don’t know what to say about that. I know the reality I see in my friends’ households now, and I don’t want that to be MY reality – EVER!

If you’re on the fence about whether or not to have kids, then you absolutely shouldn’t have them. At least not right now.

You can always change your mind down the road if you decide you do want kids. But it’s a lot more difficult to admit after the fact that you don’t really want the kids you have. It isn’t fair to them, and you can’t change your mind once you’ve chosen that path.

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8 Comments

  1. vanna
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 11:38 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for your post. We’ve been pressured to have kids since we got married, no one cared to ask if we wanted any. We didn’t then, and still don’t. We shouldn’t have to make up excuses. We just don’t want any!

  2. Anna
    Posted February 19, 2012 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Same exact sentiment here. We don’t want kids, yet are constantly pressured to have them from all directions. So glad to find this website!

  3. Breeanna
    Posted May 14, 2012 at 8:52 pm | Permalink

    I dropped out of high school to move with my boyfriend because he had nowhere to live and it was the worst mistake of my life because I got pregnant just a few weeks after moving with him and now I’m 19, my parents are supporting me, my boyfriend, and my baby, I have no high school diploma, I’m stuck in a relationship I don’t want to be in and have a baby I never wanted. I hate myself. I feel like the dumbest person in the world. The worst part is my daughter because I love her so much, I could never put her up for adoption, but if there were anything in the world I could do to go back and decide NOT to move with her father, I would do anything to take it back. She doesn’t deserve to grow up knowing how I feel about her because part of me hates her. She’s the most amazing little person in the world and I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I hate her for existing. I feel like she ruined my life. And it’s not like I had her because I wanted her and then changed my mind. I NEVER wanted children and, trust me, I am never having another one, the only reason she exists is because I felt pressured to make the decision to keep her. Her father told his mom minutes after we found out so I felt like I didn’t have time to make my own decision and was forced to make the decision to keep her. I wish I could stop loving her and give her up for adoption because I’m stuck right now and I’m blaming my 1 year old. I feel like a horrible person. How can somebody hate such an innocent little thing when all they’ve done is live. I hate myself even more because of how I feel about her. I need help.

    • fish
      Posted November 18, 2013 at 4:58 am | Permalink

      Is your boyfriend an active Father? Are your parents active grandparents? Is the family unit more or less financially secure? It sounds like there are 4 adults in your daughters life. If you are going through an emotionally hard time it should be possible for the other 3 to pick up some of the slack. Is it possible for you to organize either 2-3 days a week which are “no baby days” where you either work part-time or study or do something non-baby related that is just for YOU?

      Never tell your daughter, at least not until shi is 18, or maybe even 25 and firsmly established in their own life, job, relationship etc… and possibly considering her own children

  4. vanna
    Posted February 6, 2013 at 10:32 pm | Permalink

    Just started reading a book called “Being Fruitful Without Multiplying”. It’s been of great help to me and thought that anyone who checks out this blog may be interested in knowing about it.

  5. Posted November 17, 2015 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

    Where was this site seven years ago I hated kids and my wife knew it when we got married. Her family and mine constantly pressured me about it and my wife started to pressure me too. After five years I told her ok but it was strictly to make her happy I never thought it would actually happen, I thought I must have smoked enough weed in my younger days to be sterile because I had never knocked up anyone before and using protection was not something I was into. When she became pregnant I played it off that I was fine with it when our first child was born I did everything I could to be a good dad and I think I am one. Then our first wasn’t even a year old and she started on wanting another and at that point my objections didn’t matter and she got off her birth control anyway I never expected her to get pregnant again and thought having two was a terrible idea I was already one over my limit but next thing I know she’s pregnant again and we have two girls less than 19 months apart. I love my girls but lately I am beginning to regret having them it has all but erased our marriage and I feel like I am the only one trying to raise the I try to put and enforce rules but she constantly lets them get away with whatever they want. There is no us time anymore and if I try to make them mind she gets mad at me. Four years ago I wanted to leave her our girls were both little the oldest was two, and she did something that she knew would hurt me just because she wanted it. I told her every time the subject came up almost ten years I hate tattoos and I could never touch her again if she got one there is no bigger turn off for me I don’t think it was too much to ask for her to not look like a trashy skank. She came home drunk one night with disgusting garbage on her shoulder blade, I was instantly repulsed the physical attraction died instantly and I lost all respect for her. She showed me she didn’t care how I felt anymore and even though she knew it would hurt me she did it anyway. Her actions made me resent her I still loved her per say but I was no longer in love with her and I didn’t like her at all, she went from beautiful to repulsive to me. The next day after a whole day alone to think about it and her brother calling me begging me not to leave her because she “loves me” I went home and told her exactly how I felt. I told her that it was trashy and how much it hurt me and she said she thought I was exaggerating all those times but I wasn’t. I asked her to get it removed and she tried the it can’t be argument but a few minutes later she agreed and I decided to give us another chance. A few days later I was still so hurt and I was out hunting and I was staring at the barrel of my rifle wishing I had the nerve to end it all but a year before my sisters husband did exactly that right in front of her in my moms yard so I knew first hand the reality of suicide and couldn’t put my family especially my mom and girls through that but I realized it wasn’t the thought of my wife hurting that bothered me it was the other family. So I finally made the decision that I wanted a divorce and when I got home that evening I was walking into the bedroom to tell her exactly that, on the way in I saw my baby laying in the crib outside our door and I stopped and looked at her, there was no way I could leave my girls and have them raised in a broken home so I didn’t tell her. This last Sunday 11/15 was the fourth anniversary of that awful night I remember because it was the day after her idiot sisters birthday it was another hard day for me as usual and the Cowboys found a way to piss away another game making it even worse. I did my best not to think about it but it wasn’t easy. Since that awful night she started getting it removed it is about 2/3 or so gone but still very visible and since it had yellow in it the lasers may not be able to get it all, after a few sessions she stopped going and since then has told me on a couple of occasions she regrets going but hasn’t said she regrets getting it, getting it removed did save our marriage but originally I only stayed for the kids which is ironic I am and intend to be a good father I do love my girls but lately I have started to regret having them at first all I ever wanted was a life with just her and I miss the good days before all the trouble, our relationship was the only thing that ever truly made me happy and while yes a part of me is hurt I desperately need it more than ever but the kids prevent that from happening they are still very young and are stuck up their mommies ass all day and night every night is a fight to get them to bed and keep them out of ours I do feel like having children has hurt our marriage and that is the only thing I ever wanted everything else I did was strictly to make her happy. If we hadn’t had kids she would have never done that disgusting thing because she wouldn’t have knew she had me trapped and if she had I could/would have left her and been moved on to my new life by now. Right now I feel trapped in a marriage that I’m not sure if I still want to be in I don’t know if her and I would still be together but I believe either way there’s a very good chance we or at least I would probably be happier by now.

    • Daniel
      Posted January 6, 2016 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

      Mark, thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I feel like I’ve always known I never wanted kids, but never officially considered myself an antinatilist until this last year (I had never heard the term). I’ve come to the place where I seriously think it is wrong to bring kids into the world. Society tells me to worship parenthood and families, but I don’t. I am not impressed by it. There are no guarantees that a new kid will have a “good” life and there’s a chance he/she could have a miserable life. To me life is very dangerous and it’s not worth the risk. You may disagree with me and that’s fine, but that’s how I feel now. Of course my views could change, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. While my life has been realtively easy compared to the real horrors people face, I have had suffering (illness, speech impediment, lonliness, alientation, boredom, school, work, etc.). I have had good times in life too, but I realize that it’s not worth all the suffering in the world for me to go to Disney World.

      Anyway, I am starting to ramble, but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m 31 years old and I just don’t see the point to life anymore. I’m not contempating suicide or anything like that, but I’m at a real crossroads for sure. How do I continue to live life with this knowledge? It’s hard. Any ideas? Thanks again for sharing. I hope things improve for you.

  6. Mark B
    Posted August 20, 2016 at 10:53 pm | Permalink

    When I was a kid, I never ran around with kids my own age after a few attempts of fitting in. There was always some Mister Big Shot kid who knew everything and wanted to be the boss for one but really my heart was never in it. I was an adult person then and always was. This was essentially the same until my junior year in high school when I began socializing more after hours. So I knew back then that having a family later on would likely not be for me. As a mid-1970s young guy I could see the seeds planted back then for people holding off until a later than average age for having kids or even going childfree altogether as I did. Nothing much changed for the first 5 or 6 years after high school. We didn’t want to give up the carefree existence we had at the time as we liked those parties, concerts, we still had drive-in movie theaters back then to go to, having our entire paychecks to ourselves and not being tied down with anything. When the 1980s came & I started hearing what the girls wanted–to get married and have kids–is when I made myself scarce and would run. That and the trappings of marriage such as changing of lifestyle, financial strain, the in-law thing and what I witnessed time and time again with friends–the loss of intimacy between couples after the first child was born. I could see that in those cases, the marriage wasn’t a love affair anymore but more like running a business & that being raising the children and paying the bills. There was just no way I was going to trade my love of antique cars and other collector interests for rug rats. I’m too much of an introvert for all that. A best lady friend yes, but no crowds please.


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