Comments for Don't Have Kids! http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com Save a life by not starting one Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:22:09 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 Comment on Happily Childfree by ST http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/happily-childfree/#comment-72 ST Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:22:09 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2009/07/19/happily-childfree/#comment-72 Before we were married when we talked about having children it became obvious that if I didn't want to have kids I'd lose her because she most definitely did. This was a no-brainer at the time. I couldn't imagine life without her. The odd thing is that now we are married and have a son she admits it is much, much harder than she expected. I think it is the nightmare I expected and signed up for and I can't possibly understand how ladies think it will be anything other than *very difficult*. I just thought that having my wife beside me would make it bearable. Unfortunately it does not. Don't get me wrong - I love my son more than life itself and I know that if there was a chance to save his life with mine I would in an instant (that's how I know I DO definitely love him) but in terms of actually living my life now I think I have made a massive mistake. The reason I say this is that - as expected - I now have no life. My hobbies are neglected, we can't go out together at night (I used to love taking my wife to dinner), my wife has lost her sex drive which I understand is a common problem but I'm sexually frustrated all the time (I don't pester her about it but it's making me more depressed than I already feel). If I get a few hours out with friends or whatever it feels like heaven - a release - fantastic - but then I'm back in the drudgery of being whined at by a baby almost all the time. Yeah sure when he smiles at me it feels beautiful - a marvellous feeling - when he learns new things that's amazing too - but it's not enough. A few giggles and smiles in between hours an hours of whinging is not for me a fair trade. The amazing thing is that you would NEVER know I feel like this to see me with him. I 'mask' everything totally and appear the happy Dad as much as the next man. But it leaves me drained totally. I am a shell - like the lady on here I'm trapped in a life I have created with people whom I intrinsically love but my own desire to lead a fulfilling life - my own selfishness not to just become a robot - has ruined my life. The funny thing is (while I'm being candid) is that we have plenty of money. I don't worry about finances, my wife doesn't work and we put him in nursery one day a week to give her some time to herself. My mother has him for a few hours one day in the week to allow her time to do some chores. At the weekend I lie in on Saturday and then she lies in on Sunday. What I'm trying to say is that on paper it looks perfect. In reality it isn't! In terms of enjoying my son (who is 1 now) - I do - for a few minutes - so if I get on the floor to play with toys that's great for 10 minutes - or I read him a story; all good. But it's not like that. When you have to look after them it's 4 hours of playing straight and my mind goes numb. I switch off and become a blob just grinning stupidly and waving toys around. This isn't me - I love to make things, to think, tinker, I'm always doing something constructive and, for example, the Sunday morning get up routine which lasts from 0730 until my wife gets up at about 1000, so 2 and a half hours is just soul destroying. One more thing - just after he was born, probably 3 months, my wife announced that she was leaving me. This was because I 'obviously didn't want the baby.' This was brought on because I felt as depressed as I do now but wasn't putting on the shiny faced bouncy Dad act. When she said this I went cold all over because I am prepared to sacrifice my happiness for my child and I don't want him growing up in a broken home. I persuaded her it was my work that was the stress problem and taught myself to look happy. This now means I can't even discuss how I feel with her because even if I say one thing negative about having him she glares at me. (Yet it's okay for her to shout at him when SHE feels a bit stressed. This annoys me!) Tonight I was driving the car trying to think about things and I heard a guy on the radio talk of his 'unspeakable joy' in having twin daughters. I stopped the car in a layby to wonder why I'm such a freak that I can't see that joy. I then spent 10 minutes trying to hold my face right to look happy for when I walked in the front door. So there you have my sorry tale. Basically my life ended the day we brought him home. I now exist to bring him up and if I get to string a few hours together to myself it feels like heaven on earth. The thought of how it used to be and some of the things I did when I was younger (now 34) almost makes me cry. I know I am probably a very selfish person but I thought that I'd post my story because there is a moral. NEVER try to 'keep' your loved one by agreeing in any way to kids unless you ABSOLUTELY are ready and happy to also have one. It could be a disaster. Before we were married when we talked about having children it became obvious that if I didn’t want to have kids I’d lose her because she most definitely did. This was a no-brainer at the time. I couldn’t imagine life without her.

The odd thing is that now we are married and have a son she admits it is much, much harder than she expected. I think it is the nightmare I expected and signed up for and I can’t possibly understand how ladies think it will be anything other than *very difficult*. I just thought that having my wife beside me would make it bearable. Unfortunately it does not.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my son more than life itself and I know that if there was a chance to save his life with mine I would in an instant (that’s how I know I DO definitely love him) but in terms of actually living my life now I think I have made a massive mistake.

The reason I say this is that – as expected – I now have no life. My hobbies are neglected, we can’t go out together at night (I used to love taking my wife to dinner), my wife has lost her sex drive which I understand is a common problem but I’m sexually frustrated all the time (I don’t pester her about it but it’s making me more depressed than I already feel).

If I get a few hours out with friends or whatever it feels like heaven – a release – fantastic – but then I’m back in the drudgery of being whined at by a baby almost all the time. Yeah sure when he smiles at me it feels beautiful – a marvellous feeling – when he learns new things that’s amazing too – but it’s not enough. A few giggles and smiles in between hours an hours of whinging is not for me a fair trade.

The amazing thing is that you would NEVER know I feel like this to see me with him. I ‘mask’ everything totally and appear the happy Dad as much as the next man. But it leaves me drained totally. I am a shell – like the lady on here I’m trapped in a life I have created with people whom I intrinsically love but my own desire to lead a fulfilling life – my own selfishness not to just become a robot – has ruined my life.

The funny thing is (while I’m being candid) is that we have plenty of money. I don’t worry about finances, my wife doesn’t work and we put him in nursery one day a week to give her some time to herself. My mother has him for a few hours one day in the week to allow her time to do some chores. At the weekend I lie in on Saturday and then she lies in on Sunday. What I’m trying to say is that on paper it looks perfect. In reality it isn’t!

In terms of enjoying my son (who is 1 now) – I do – for a few minutes – so if I get on the floor to play with toys that’s great for 10 minutes – or I read him a story; all good. But it’s not like that. When you have to look after them it’s 4 hours of playing straight and my mind goes numb. I switch off and become a blob just grinning stupidly and waving toys around. This isn’t me – I love to make things, to think, tinker, I’m always doing something constructive and, for example, the Sunday morning get up routine which lasts from 0730 until my wife gets up at about 1000, so 2 and a half hours is just soul destroying.

One more thing – just after he was born, probably 3 months, my wife announced that she was leaving me. This was because I ‘obviously didn’t want the baby.’ This was brought on because I felt as depressed as I do now but wasn’t putting on the shiny faced bouncy Dad act. When she said this I went cold all over because I am prepared to sacrifice my happiness for my child and I don’t want him growing up in a broken home. I persuaded her it was my work that was the stress problem and taught myself to look happy.

This now means I can’t even discuss how I feel with her because even if I say one thing negative about having him she glares at me. (Yet it’s okay for her to shout at him when SHE feels a bit stressed. This annoys me!)

Tonight I was driving the car trying to think about things and I heard a guy on the radio talk of his ‘unspeakable joy’ in having twin daughters. I stopped the car in a layby to wonder why I’m such a freak that I can’t see that joy. I then spent 10 minutes trying to hold my face right to look happy for when I walked in the front door.

So there you have my sorry tale. Basically my life ended the day we brought him home. I now exist to bring him up and if I get to string a few hours together to myself it feels like heaven on earth. The thought of how it used to be and some of the things I did when I was younger (now 34) almost makes me cry.

I know I am probably a very selfish person but I thought that I’d post my story because there is a moral. NEVER try to ‘keep’ your loved one by agreeing in any way to kids unless you ABSOLUTELY are ready and happy to also have one. It could be a disaster.

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by Melanie http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-71 Melanie Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:42:45 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-71 This is EXACTLY what I know would happen if I had a child! My husband wants to have a child but I know that I would be stuck with them 24/7 with absolutely NO help from him! He would just say:"who´s the mother here? You or me??" I already get no help with household jobs NOW without kids and that´s why I know I would NOT get any help from him THEN! My mother in law keeps asking when we´re going to have a baby but she doesn´t understand that in the country where we live in husbands usually help with childcare where as in the country where she lives in MOST woman have the help of their mother in laws or their mothers and that´s why men don´t help with anything because there are usually enough women in the house. So I certainly won´t give in and have a child and be trapped!!! I don´t like kids or babies. And if he wants a child he can make one with another woman! She can ruin her figure and her nerves but I won´t! This is EXACTLY what I know would happen if I had a child! My husband wants to have a child but I know that I would be stuck with them 24/7 with absolutely NO help from him! He would just say:”who´s the mother here? You or me??” I already get no help with household jobs NOW without kids and that´s why I know I would NOT get any help from him THEN! My mother in law keeps asking when we´re going to have a baby but she doesn´t understand that in the country where we live in husbands usually help with childcare where as in the country where she lives in MOST woman have the help of their mother in laws or their mothers and that´s why men don´t help with anything because there are usually enough women in the house. So I certainly won´t give in and have a child and be trapped!!! I don´t like kids or babies. And if he wants a child he can make one with another woman! She can ruin her figure and her nerves but I won´t!

]]> Comment on One From the Grandfather of Antinatalism by dark chocolate http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/18/one-from-the-grandfather-of-antinatalism/#comment-70 dark chocolate Sat, 11 Jul 2009 06:40:07 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=15#comment-70 "creating a new person" vs. "having a baby" makes a difference, but i think referring to it as "creating another person" may even be more honest, since what really is "new" about people? “creating a new person” vs. “having a baby” makes a difference, but i think referring to it as “creating another person” may even be more honest, since what really is “new” about people?

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by honestmom http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-69 honestmom Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:58:23 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-69 I understand exactly how she feels! I had this romantic version of what I thought family life was going to be. I got pregnant right after my husband and I were married.He wasnt and still isn't very into kids. He didn't even really want them. I think its because he grew up with an alcohaulic for a father and his sister had 2 kids before she was 18 years old and the kids seemed to hold her back in life. Anyway we had our son and it was like a bomb exploding into our marriage.I lost my job and felt like such a failure.I gained weight and felt insecure about myself.Even still I wanted my son to have a sibling close in age so I got pregnant with our daughter. We fought and still fight all the time.About money,time,and most definetly about the kids. I was crushed to find out that I was pregnant again. We were already deep in debt and our marriage is not a marriage. I believe my husband is having an affair with a coworker, we bring up divorce constantly, and there is no money to our names.My husband would rather buy new video games and electronics than pay down our debt and spend time with the kids. I dont want people to pity me. I am just writing this so people wont make the same mistake as myself. I love my kids and still recommend having children, but choose a man who will also be a good father and a good spouse. I understand exactly how she feels! I had this romantic version of what I thought family life was going to be. I got pregnant right after my husband and I were married.He wasnt and still isn’t very into kids. He didn’t even really want them. I think its because he grew up with an alcohaulic for a father and his sister had 2 kids before she was 18 years old and the kids seemed to hold her back in life. Anyway we had our son and it was like a bomb exploding into our marriage.I lost my job and felt like such a failure.I gained weight and felt insecure about myself.Even still I wanted my son to have a sibling close in age so I got pregnant with our daughter. We fought and still fight all the time.About money,time,and most definetly about the kids. I was crushed to find out that I was pregnant again. We were already deep in debt and our marriage is not a marriage. I believe my husband is having an affair with a coworker, we bring up divorce constantly, and there is no money to our names.My husband would rather buy new video games and electronics than pay down our debt and spend time with the kids. I dont want people to pity me. I am just writing this so people wont make the same mistake as myself. I love my kids and still recommend having children, but choose a man who will also be a good father and a good spouse.

]]> Comment on 5 Reasons NOT to Have Children by joe http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/5-reasons-not-to-have-children/#comment-68 joe Sat, 14 Mar 2009 22:24:05 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/5-reasons-not-to-have-children/#comment-68 Having kids is a horrible idea if you're not thoroughly prepared for it. Your life as you know it stops immediately and you must take on this new life whether you like it or not. Sometimes birth control methods fail, men aren't careful, women aren't careful, some women have even poked holes in condoms or purposely missed birth control doses. Some people treat life as a game, having children to make themselves feel better, or to fill some kind of void. In the process they create an environment which breeds depression, guilt, anger and resentment. People should be sterilized at birth, when they are adults, they should have to go through a series of tests to decide whether or not they are prepared to bring a human life into the world. I mean mentally, physically, and financially prepared. We have to go through application processes and/or back ground checks to get apartments, jobs, buy houses, get a drivers license, a gun permit, buy a car, take out a loan, get into college, get a cell phone... the list goes on. But ANYONE can have a child. Most often, they shouldn't. Having kids is a horrible idea if you’re not thoroughly prepared for it. Your life as you know it stops immediately and you must take on this new life whether you like it or not. Sometimes birth control methods fail, men aren’t careful, women aren’t careful, some women have even poked holes in condoms or purposely missed birth control doses. Some people treat life as a game, having children to make themselves feel better, or to fill some kind of void. In the process they create an environment which breeds depression, guilt, anger and resentment. People should be sterilized at birth, when they are adults, they should have to go through a series of tests to decide whether or not they are prepared to bring a human life into the world. I mean mentally, physically, and financially prepared. We have to go through application processes and/or back ground checks to get apartments, jobs, buy houses, get a drivers license, a gun permit, buy a car, take out a loan, get into college, get a cell phone… the list goes on. But ANYONE can have a child. Most often, they shouldn’t.

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by Joan P. http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-66 Joan P. Sat, 24 Jan 2009 01:22:02 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-66 I love kids, but my kid can be very difficult, so I can understand her frustration. It sounds like she is home with the kids all day. I think it would help to get out, have more playdates and chat with other mothers. Take parenting classes too. I am a strong supporter of attachment parenting. The more you nurture your children, the less clingy and demanding they will be. I love kids, but my kid can be very difficult, so I can understand her frustration. It sounds like she is home with the kids all day. I think it would help to get out, have more playdates and chat with other mothers. Take parenting classes too. I am a strong supporter of attachment parenting. The more you nurture your children, the less clingy and demanding they will be.

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by Patricia http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-65 Patricia Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:31:41 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-65 Maybe I am the only one that feels like this but this situation just screams, "Boundry Issues". Her husband walks on her, why not the kids? Have you ever seen that show Nanny 911??? I think that is the name. Get someone to come over and back you up while you lay out the ground rules. Give them all jobs and make them help you. Ever hear of a farmer having children that were farm hands??? If you don't want to live like this do something about it. Stop being the door mat and start being the shoe. Maybe I am the only one that feels like this but this situation just screams, “Boundry Issues”. Her husband walks on her, why not the kids? Have you ever seen that show Nanny 911??? I think that is the name. Get someone to come over and back you up while you lay out the ground rules. Give them all jobs and make them help you. Ever hear of a farmer having children that were farm hands??? If you don’t want to live like this do something about it. Stop being the door mat and start being the shoe.

]]> Comment on One From the Grandfather of Antinatalism by Belgrave Ninnis http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/18/one-from-the-grandfather-of-antinatalism/#comment-60 Belgrave Ninnis Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:06:38 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=15#comment-60 "... have decided to create a new person." What an excellent, excellent point. An immeasurably more truthful representation of what is being contemplated. “… have decided to create a new person.” What an excellent, excellent point. An immeasurably more truthful representation of what is being contemplated.

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by Anonymous http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-59 Anonymous Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:42:51 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-59 This mom needs some medication and counseling This mom needs some medication and counseling

]]> Comment on A Heartfelt Rant From An Anonymous Mother (Phew!) by digipicsphotography http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/a-heartfelt-rant-from-an-anonymous-mother-phew/#comment-58 digipicsphotography Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:16:20 +0000 http://isaywhattheywont.wordpress.com/?p=17#comment-58 I understand how she feels. Mine are grown and they did attend day care. They learned a great deal in day care, learning to socialize being one of them. A day camp might be an alternative for this mom so that she can have some "me" time. We all need a little "me" time...from our husbands, family and work. I hope she makes the decision to grab the me time and send those kids to a day camp for a week or so. Then she can rejuvinate herself and be a better parent for it. I understand how she feels. Mine are grown and they did attend day care. They learned a great deal in day care, learning to socialize being one of them.

A day camp might be an alternative for this mom so that she can have some “me” time. We all need a little “me” time…from our husbands, family and work. I hope she makes the decision to grab the me time and send those kids to a day camp for a week or so. Then she can rejuvinate herself and be a better parent for it.

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