http://www.happilychildfree.com/fencesitters.htm
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Before we were married when we talked about having children it became obvious that if I didn’t want to have kids I’d lose her because she most definitely did. This was a no-brainer at the time. I couldn’t imagine life without her.
The odd thing is that now we are married and have a son she admits it is much, much harder than she expected. I think it is the nightmare I expected and signed up for and I can’t possibly understand how ladies think it will be anything other than *very difficult*. I just thought that having my wife beside me would make it bearable. Unfortunately it does not.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my son more than life itself and I know that if there was a chance to save his life with mine I would in an instant (that’s how I know I DO definitely love him) but in terms of actually living my life now I think I have made a massive mistake.
The reason I say this is that – as expected – I now have no life. My hobbies are neglected, we can’t go out together at night (I used to love taking my wife to dinner), my wife has lost her sex drive which I understand is a common problem but I’m sexually frustrated all the time (I don’t pester her about it but it’s making me more depressed than I already feel).
If I get a few hours out with friends or whatever it feels like heaven – a release – fantastic – but then I’m back in the drudgery of being whined at by a baby almost all the time. Yeah sure when he smiles at me it feels beautiful – a marvellous feeling – when he learns new things that’s amazing too – but it’s not enough. A few giggles and smiles in between hours an hours of whinging is not for me a fair trade.
The amazing thing is that you would NEVER know I feel like this to see me with him. I ‘mask’ everything totally and appear the happy Dad as much as the next man. But it leaves me drained totally. I am a shell – like the lady on here I’m trapped in a life I have created with people whom I intrinsically love but my own desire to lead a fulfilling life – my own selfishness not to just become a robot – has ruined my life.
The funny thing is (while I’m being candid) is that we have plenty of money. I don’t worry about finances, my wife doesn’t work and we put him in nursery one day a week to give her some time to herself. My mother has him for a few hours one day in the week to allow her time to do some chores. At the weekend I lie in on Saturday and then she lies in on Sunday. What I’m trying to say is that on paper it looks perfect. In reality it isn’t!
In terms of enjoying my son (who is 1 now) – I do – for a few minutes – so if I get on the floor to play with toys that’s great for 10 minutes – or I read him a story; all good. But it’s not like that. When you have to look after them it’s 4 hours of playing straight and my mind goes numb. I switch off and become a blob just grinning stupidly and waving toys around. This isn’t me – I love to make things, to think, tinker, I’m always doing something constructive and, for example, the Sunday morning get up routine which lasts from 0730 until my wife gets up at about 1000, so 2 and a half hours is just soul destroying.
One more thing – just after he was born, probably 3 months, my wife announced that she was leaving me. This was because I ‘obviously didn’t want the baby.’ This was brought on because I felt as depressed as I do now but wasn’t putting on the shiny faced bouncy Dad act. When she said this I went cold all over because I am prepared to sacrifice my happiness for my child and I don’t want him growing up in a broken home. I persuaded her it was my work that was the stress problem and taught myself to look happy.
This now means I can’t even discuss how I feel with her because even if I say one thing negative about having him she glares at me. (Yet it’s okay for her to shout at him when SHE feels a bit stressed. This annoys me!)
Tonight I was driving the car trying to think about things and I heard a guy on the radio talk of his ‘unspeakable joy’ in having twin daughters. I stopped the car in a layby to wonder why I’m such a freak that I can’t see that joy. I then spent 10 minutes trying to hold my face right to look happy for when I walked in the front door.
So there you have my sorry tale. Basically my life ended the day we brought him home. I now exist to bring him up and if I get to string a few hours together to myself it feels like heaven on earth. The thought of how it used to be and some of the things I did when I was younger (now 34) almost makes me cry.
I know I am probably a very selfish person but I thought that I’d post my story because there is a moral. NEVER try to ‘keep’ your loved one by agreeing in any way to kids unless you ABSOLUTELY are ready and happy to also have one. It could be a disaster.
Thank you so much for your candor. I am leaning toward a child-free life and posts like these help confirm this choice.
Thank you for sharing.
I feel so sorry for you. I totally agree with you. Everyone should be in total agreement concerning having a child. I do not have children and many people have pressured me over the years about it. I have stood firm. If I am not completely convinced to have a child and completely wanting of a child, then I do not want to have a child. I hear all these stories about how the situation is often not ideal but many of those “not ideal” situations end up in a broken home for the child, divorce or child neglect. Not me. I would never have a child unless I really wanted one. If the other person wanted one and I did not, they would have to look elsewhere for someone else. I think it is a particularly bad thing for a mother not to want a child and I don’t believe in taking the chance that you will love the child at birth. Too many bad things can happen. It’s just not worth the risk!